Crimson Depths
by Ikiwa
Summary: The place that lay bare all her thoughts and reasons, but never gave her relief.


_Guilt- It eats away at the soul_

Again she found herself in the room that was filled with crimson. The place that lay bare all her thoughts and reasons, but never gave her relief. She found herself sinking into the depths once more.  
If only she could save him. If only she could fix everything. Over and over again she wondered where she went wrong. Why couldn't she save him? Why couldn't she do that? Why?

No one understood. They couldn't understand what drove her. They would never comprehend the pain and guilt that ate away at her. Constantly nibbling at her heart and slowly consuming her. Soon there would be nothing left of her, but before that happened she would do everything in her power to save him, even if it meant sinking farther into the darkness.  
She had yet to cross that line. The point of no return but she was close to the edge, where she would inevitably drown. It was fine with her though. She was willing to drown for him, willing to do anything for him.

She left behind everything. It was so much harder than she thought, but she did. She left behind her friends, patients and people who relied on her. She left all of them for him, to save him. Forsaking so many just for one person it made her feel like she was a horrible person, but she couldn't stop. She couldn't turn away from the path she walked, even though deep down she regretted the choice she had to make. She was destroying friendships she held dear and it hurt her deeply to know she couldn't obtain forgiveness.

Was she wrong? The question was burned into her mind, unanswered. She had to leave them, no matter how much she loved her friends. Hurting them was never an option for her so it was something she had to do. No one would help her and the suggestions offered didn't appeal to her . They told her to abandon him and that he was a lost cause. She didn't believe that and she never would.

Why wouldn't they help her? It was a mistake... he searched for knowledge that he knew he shouldn't have. Knowledge he thought he needed, but truly he didn't. She liked him just the way he was. In the end he touched what was forbidden and lost himself. It was a sin but didn't he deserve to be forgiven.

No. There wasn't anyone who would forgive him...or her. Once the line was crossed there was no way to return. She always knew that, but she had to keep going. She needed the power to save him because no one else would.

Sinking slowly into the endless crimson a smile graced her face.

Her guilty heart led her to her actions and her feelings chained her to him. She should have stopped him. If only she had done something, anything. Then she wouldn't have sunk into such filth and he wouldn't have suffered so much.

Now she would follow the Imperator. She would do what was commanded of her and bend to their will. She would sink into the lowest  
filth and allow it to consume her, to devour her, and to destroy her. If that was what she had to do then she would.

In the end, if she could save him then she didn't care what happened to her. She would gladly lose everything for him because she loved him and no one would understand that.

Yet, her guilt of not saving him almost paled in comparison to the people she betrayed. The ones who had put their faith in her. Those who trusted her. She was torn in two direction but she could only follow one path and she had already chosen the darkness.

* * *

Litchi opened her eyes and sat up from the table in front of her that she had been laying on. Somehow she had fallen asleep while reading. Looking down at the research notes in front of her, a bitter smile touched her lips. Countless books and document were spread haphazardly across the desk. It was just the beginning of her search. Picking up one of the documents she started to read once more.

The words made no sense, like ramblings of someone insane. It was familiar to her, too familiar. She placed the document on the table and stood to give herself a break. Walking over to the window of the library she was in she noticed how cold the room had become. Outside there sat a city that slept soundly. No one was awake, not one light could be seen in the city below and of course the inhabitants slept. It was four in the morning. She should have been asleep as well, but her mind was unsettled and sleep would not come easy.

Her dreams always led her to that room where nothing but red surrounded her. It slowly pulled her in until she was no more. The Crimson Depths was a perfect name for the place. It was an abyss of red that she could never escape. A place she had no will to escape.

Shaking the thoughts away she looked to the city once more. She was far away but it didn't ease her worried thoughts about those she left. Nothing gave her comfort and she didn't expect anyone to comfort her either. The choice she made was forced on her, like an ultimatum and she would have to live with it. There were no other options if she wanted to save him. She had to go for his sake, but she knew everyone would see it as abandonment and betrayal. Would they ever forgive her? Most likely they would not or could not.

She pressed her hand against the cold glass of the window not wanting to dwell on the things that constantly kept her awake at night. Snow began to fall and she wondered if the end would be happy or sad. Would she be able see him again? Would she be able to live with the things she had done? Would anyone ever understand? She pressed her forehead against the cold glass and closed her eyes to prevent the tears from falling. As if she could stop the tears in such a useless way.

"Don't worry Lotte, I'll save you... I promise."

_Love- It devours the heart_


End file.
